Who's the Damsel Now!
by NeptunesBlue
Summary: COMPLETE. Fuu saves Mugen's ungrateful, indignant ass after an encounter with a prostitute goes horribly awry. One-Night Mushroom part deux, anyone? Fool him once, shame on you. Fool him twice...you answer to Fuu?


**Who's the Damsel Now?**

**A/N:** Okay, so I've always want to write something that involved Fuu saving Mugen for once. Call it my current obsession if you want. And I have an obsessive personality, so it's a safe bet that you will see more of these plots from me. The title is sort of pun (if you will) from the movie _The New Guy_. There's a line where the scrawny hero kicks the bully's ass and shouts, "WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?" in his face. I burst out laughing every time I hear that, and found it oddly a propos for this oneshot. Enjoy.

* * *

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"What?"

"Mugen." Fuu scowled. "That woman is obviously a whore."

"Why? Just 'cuz she's got bigger tits than you makes her a whore?"

Fuu's cheeks reddened in embarrassment and anger. "No! It's because no woman in her right mind would ever come onto a dirtbag like _you_ unless she was getting paid for it!"

He gave her an arched brow. "You jealous?"

She couldn't even speak, she was so insulted.

"Because I don't think she'd mind if I brought you along…" he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Fuu was utterly appalled. "You jackass!"

Mugen stood and clapped Jin on the back a few times. The ronin jerked with the movements but remained unconscious, a drunken glow about him. "Good luck towin' his ass back to the room. Later!"

* * *

Fuu grumbled something about smelly pirates and dirty convicts as she struggled to manage Jin's weight against her shoulder. "C'mon, Jin!" she snapped, irritated to hell and back. "You're an even bigger lightweight than me! What kinda man can't handle his saké?"

She glared at the passed out ronin sleeping soundly across the room from her. Stupid saké. Stupid pirates. Stupid samurai. Stupid whores. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! What the hell kind of place had the world turned into if it permitted men to get blindingly drunk, screw random women, and leave their wards to their own devices? What Fuu should really be doing is dragging Mugen's ass back to the room. What if the yakuza raided the inn, hm? Jin wouldn't be able to save her when they kidnapped her. She growled. Stupid smelly dirtbag…

* * *

They were easy enough to track down. All Fuu had to do was ask a few of the people in the restaurant who that woman was and where she lived. It appeared her name was Fumiko and she was plenty popular with the men-folk.

Fuu arrived at the humble abode and trekked as silently as she could. She knew Mugen's keen ears were always listening, no matter how drunk the bastard got. She went around the back and poked a hole in the rice paper, peeking through a moment later. The room was empty, so she quietly slipped in.

It was when she heard their faint voices that Fuu lost her nerve. The reality of the situation had finally caught up with her. What was she doing? Was she nuts? Mugen would have her head on a platter if she ever disrupted him during a moment like this!

But what was that? A shout? Oh, God. What was she doing? That was a crash. And that was definitely a vase being broken. Okay…she knew Mugen was a masochist, but surely this was _too_ rough? There was a grunt, this time from Mugen. Fuu had witnessed enough of Mugen's antics to develop the ability to discern between his grunts. And that was definitely not a writhing-in-ecstasy grunt…not that she'd ever actually gotten one of those sounds out of him first-hand or anything… –Was that a sword being drawn?

Okay, enough was enough! Fuu tiptoed toward the sound and craned her neck around the corner to get a better look. She gasped. There stood Mugen, sword drawn and blood dripping from his arm. His face held a nasty cut that was currently oozing, and he had a shuriken lodged in his leg as well. Across from him stood Fumiko, the whore. She wielded a large shuriken in one hand and several smaller ones between her opposite fingers. Fuu had heard of role-playing…but she doubted blood loss was a turn-on.

Fumiko chuckled and flung a smaller throwing star. It soared through the air and Mugen lifted his sword to deflect it, but it ricocheted and grazed his side. His lip curled in pain and he fell to his knee, supporting his weight by stabbing his blade into the tatami.

"I'm told you're no stranger to the one-night mushroom." Fumiko teased. "So I was told to take extra precautions in giving it to you. Do you feel stupid? Falling for the same tricks and succumbing to the same fate as before?"

Fuu scowled and took in the sight of Mugen. He was beginning to sway, the grip on his hilt was faltering, and he was sweating more than usual. His hand found his face and he released a bark of laughter, despite himself.

"You couldn't have waited until _after_ we fucked to kill me?" he questioned. "I know women are cruel, but that's just unforgiveable."

Fumiko scowled at him. "Men are all the same." She droned. "Flash some cleavage and you can have 'em eating out of the palm of your hand."

Fuu looked down at her hands. When did she grab her tanto?

"Yeah, yeah." Mugen dismissed. "So how long's this shit gonna take, bitch? We still got time to fool around?"

"You really are incorrigible." Fumiko snapped, heading for the doorway. Right where Fuu was hiding. "I'd say you only have about 2 minutes left."

"That's still enough time for you to blow me."

"What a pig…" Fuu breathed under her breath.

"The one-night mushroom restricts blood flow." Fumiko informed. "Even if I did have enough sympathy to give you a pity-blow, you wouldn't even be able to get it up."

The ex-waitress steeled herself as she unsheathed her tanto and waited for the assassin – whore – whatever the hell she was, to walk by. Fuu had never held anyone hostage, but she herself had been one so many times that she should have been an expert by now. But, she just couldn't seem to recall how all those people had gotten the jump on her in the first place…

She sensed the other woman's approach and decided to wing it. Fuu grabbed the hand that held the least weapons and twisted it behind her back, giving her a good shove into the wall from behind. The woman shrieked and tugged against her grip, and she almost broke free. But Fuu was quick where brute strength failed, and she brought the blade to the back of her opponent's neck. She stilled, panting like an enraged bull, with her face pressed up against the wall. Fuu took the moment to grab her other arm and twist it behind her back, too. Her own hands were barely large enough to hold onto both, but she only needed a second.

"Tell me where the antidote is, and maybe I'll let you keep…your pretty hair." She tried to make her voice sound as menacing as she could, but she had a feeling the effect was lost when she fumbled for something to threaten her with. Her hair? Really? She would have slapped herself if she could afford it.

"Ha!" Fumiko scoffed. "He's already dead, so why bother? …And let me go, you're wrinkling the front of my kimono!"

"It was ugly anyway!" Fuu snapped. "And I don't believe you. Where the hell is antidote?" she pressed the blade further into the back of the woman's neck. Secretly, she hoped she wouldn't break the skin. Scrubbing the blood off her bodyguards' clothes was one thing. Having it spray onto you after slicing your opponents flesh was completely different. Fuu didn't think she could handle that.

"Puh-_lease_." Fumiko rolled her eyes. "The only reason I came back here was to fetch the mat I was supposed to drag his body out with."

Fuu set her jaw, refusing to believe this woman. "I'm only going to ask one more time before I start slicing. _Where is the antidote_!" She gave the woman's bun a harsh tug and managed to bend her backwards over her knee. It was something she'd seen Mugen do to someone before, and she startled even herself for remembering. "Your hair or your neck. It's your choice." Fuu edged the blade closer and closer to the elegant knot at the top of this woman's head and watched her eyes grow frantic.

"Don't touch my hair!" she finally shouted. "The antidote's in a tiny white pitcher behind the kingfisher painting!"

"You better not be lying."

"I'm not! I promise!" her eyes were pleading. "Now, please, let go of my hair!"

Fuu released her unceremoniously and didn't watch as she fell onto her ass. She dashed into the room Mugen was laying in and tore the kingfisher painting off the wall. Just as the whore said, there was the pitcher.

"_Fuu_…?"

She turned to Mugen. "Yeah. It's me." She kneeled down beside him and cradled his head. "I got the antidote. Drink it quick."

"Wha da hell're ya doin' here?" he demanded instead, pupils dilated like they were trying to devour the gray of his iris.

Fuu rolled her eyes. "You're going to die if you don't drink this…_like_ _now_."

"Didja jus'…_save_ me?"

"Yes." She snapped, bringing the pitcher to his lips impatiently. "And it'll all be in vain if you don't drink this Goddamn thing already!" She was practically shoving it down his throat before she had the brilliant idea of pinching his nostrils shut. He opened his mouth and Fuu poured the murky liquid in, not really caring if she inadvertently drowned him or something.

"Taste like shit…" he grumbled, after a small coughing fit.

Fuu felt like she could breathe a sigh of relief now that he'd finally taken it. But suddenly, Mugen jerked and Fuu flinched against him, the loud screech of metal against metal deafening in one ear. She turned just in time to see the shuriken bounce off his sword and imbed itself in the wall. Of course his reflexes would only be superhuman seconds before death. This was Mugen – he never did anything half-ass.

She heard Fumiko spit a curse and then run away. Mugen sat up, but Fuu placed a hand on his shoulder. "Let it go."

"That bitch. I want my nookie…!" he growled.

Fuu puffed out her cheeks and shoved his head off her knee. It hit the tatami with a soft thud. "You pig!" she snapped, shooting up. "I save you from dying and all you can think about is _sex_!" Her tiny fist clenched around her sheathed tanto, and she suddenly understood what Mugen felt when he said his blade was itching for some blood.

He shrugged. "I guess it's something you can only understand if you've done it before." He smirked wickedly. "…and you did _not_ save me."

"Like hell I didn't! You'd be dead on the floor if it wasn't for me!"

"I woulda found the antidote on my own, just fine." He folded his arms across his chest. "I did it the last time, didn't I?"

Fuu snarled and brought her tanto's scabbard down across his skull. He yelped, even though his untamed mess of hair cushioned the blow.

"The fuck was _that_ for?"

"For being an ungrateful jackass, that's what!" she spun on her heel and walked away. "Next time you're dying, don't count on me to come and save you!"

"Because all the times I saved _your_ scrawny ass don't count?"

She balked and turned back around, face pink and hot in rage. "All those situations were somehow _your_ fault in the first place, moron!"

He grinned, knowing she was at least 99.9% correct. "…At least your life ain't boring."

"Ugh!"

"Hey, wait Fuu! Come back!" he struggled to get to his feet, using his sword as a crutch. "I still got this stupid thing in my leg!"

"I thought you didn't need me!"

"I was wrong, you heartless bitch! Get back here!"

"Screw you, you dirty…_poonhound_!"

Mugen threw his head back and released a bark of laughter. That was a new one.

* * *

**A/N:** Not to be taken seriously (as with most of my SC oneshots). It ended pretty weak because I didn't put much effort into planning anything beyond Fuu finally getting the antidote to Mugen. But I couldn't end it there for some odd reason. Meh. Anyway, look for more of these "Fuu-saves-Mugen's-ungrateful-ass" from me, as I am nowhere near finished with this plot bunny =;3 -OMFG THAT LOOKS LIKE A WINKING BUNNY!


End file.
